I posted my second podcast video this morning and as of now it has 100 views (spoiler as of posting now it has closer to 800).
Great! You might be thinking, two podcast videos in, 100 views isn’t so bad.
But... my last video got over six thousand, and right here lies the trap.
What’s your vice? Hi if you’re new here, mine is food. I’ve had disordered eating habits from the time I was five, but started consciously dieting around age 13. Name something weird to do with food, and I’ve probably done it. I even donated blood in high school because it burned 600 calories a pint. I’ve been in therapy for the past year to finally beat this, but a few weeks ago I started slipping again.
I just can’t seem to accept my weight, but as I was restricting I was simultaneously overworking so I started breaking promises to myself, because I just didn’t have energy. I almost never get sick, but my immune system got compromised from the stress, so I got the flu but because I was so sick, my work suffered.
My nutritionist Emmie said something to me that hurt, but I needed to hear it. She said
“I think you’re wasting your 20s trying to be 10% thinner.”
I spent a lot of hours crying this week, but I’m starting to accept that I can’t have the body I want, or even get halfway there and fulfil my purpose on this earth at the same time (and believe me, I’ve tried everything), so I’m mourning this week.
I've been making some videos to help me express my emotions, it's been a nice way to use this challenge and refine my editing skills. My eating disorder is a huge part of my story and I'd like to start incorporating it more into my socials.
I turned to my eating disorder for control and for validation from other people, but the cost has been my peace. At times during this challenge I've found my mind using work to try and replace my eating disorder, which isn't healthy either.
I won't let views be the number on the scale. I won't let hours be my new calories. I vow right now, I won’t let work replace my eating disorder. Results matter, but I have faith I will get where I need to be without killing myself.
Even as I type this I’m scared to let go, but I will.
I hope whatever you have to let go of, this blog post encourages you to try until you do.
Love,
Laura Mai
P.S. Here’s where you can connect with me
Linkedin: Laura Mai | LinkedIn
Instagram/TikTok @lauramaimarketing
Book a free 15 minute call Here