When I was younger I had no trouble asking for what I wanted, but somewhere along the way that changed.
I remember there was one birthday where I wanted a Baby Alive doll, which was a popular doll in the US. I remember my mom complaining to me about how expensive it was and asking me why I wanted it every day until I didn’t want it anymore. When my birthday came and I opened my gift, what I found inside was the exact doll I asked for, but instead of joy, I felt a deep sense of shame over wanting something so frivolous.
I also remember one day a few years ago how my dad told me he used to stress out when I would want to eat frozen mangoes. They were expensive, but he never verbalized that we couldn’t afford them. I wish he had told me no, because I still feel guilty when I think back to that conversation today. I always get afraid someone is giving me something they are suffering for.
Now that I’m older, I find it difficult to ask for anything related to money whether that’s money itself or gifts. I can ask my parents sometimes, and I can ask my mom the most comfortably, but most of the time I feel like a monster. Opportunity I have no issue asking for, and I don’t have an issue receiving an unprompted gift either, but if I have to ask for it, suddenly I don’t want it. If I ask, I feel the kind of uncomfortable one would normally associate with something like vomiting on a first date (which I’ve never done by the way).
That being said, we can always come up with the reasons why we act a certain way. They may not be the truth. The first two stories in this blog could be irrelevant in the reason why I act the way I do around asking for money, so I want to dig deeper.
When I was talking to a friend about this earlier this week, I thought it might have to do with the worth I hold for myself, but I realized when people don’t invest in me I find myself not wanting to be around them anymore after a while. I don’t like feeling worthless because I don’t believe I am.
I still have this hope in me that someone is going to want to invest in me the way I invest in myself, Or the way my parents invest in me without me telling them. It’s a fantasy, but I’m not sure where the trade-off is.
If I ask, suddenly I don’t want what I asked for, but
if I don’t get it, I’m either sad or resentful even if the other person didn’t know I was struggling, but either way I feel guilty for wanting anything at all. I feel guilty for not being able to do everything alone.
I love to be needed, but I hate to need.
If I could do everything alone, I would, but there’s a reason we can’t do everything alone. We’re meant to rely on others. We’re meant to have community, and we’re meant to feel secure enough in our relationships to ask. Many people have the same problem I have, but there are two sides here. Not only do we need to be able to ask each other for help, but we also need to be able to say no to each other comfortably. Both of these things I struggle with.
I’ve come to you today with a problem, I’ll be exploring this for the next few weeks. Looking into the psychology of receptivity, talking about my problem with others and sharing with you what I find. All I ask is that you send me $10, my Venmo is @Laura-Gainor-1 (that was a joke).
I’m rooting for you.
Laura Mai
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